November 16th, 2007 by Jenn
Is hard.
Please oh please any sort of diety who may be listening, let me pass the California bar.
(Or at least let me be genuinely okay with not.)
Three hours and counting.
Posted in I Fought the Law and the Law Won, Post-bar: The Saga Continues having no comments »
November 15th, 2007 by Jenn
Although my fate has already been sealed by a bunch of fairly new attorneys in San Francisco, in twenty-four hours it will become known to me. I’m nervous and I’m not. Part of me is sure I passed and part of me is positive I failed. Part of me will be okay with failing and part knows I will be very, very sad. There’s no denying that I made quite a few potentially fatal mistakes. But, there have been plenty of people who did the same and still passed. What this all means is that there is no way to know whether or not I passed the bar.
It’s silly, I know, but I’m highly superstitious. I’ve been trying not to make unnecessary purchases because I worry that I will fail the bar to be taught a lesson in money management. Today, I didn’t stop a cart that was headed right for the door an Acura and now I’m worried that I will fail because I’m a bad person. I would have had to jump out of my car and run for the cart. It would have been possible, but I would have looked dumb. The car wasn’t damaged, but I still think that since I won’t exert myself to help someone else out, nothing good will happen for me.
I really don’t want to breakdown over this. I had a total meltdown after I took the bar and I would really like to not have a repeat performance. Failing won’t be the end of the world, but it is going to suck a whole lot. Studying will be long and boring. The next test is at the end of February and I won’t know if I passed or not until the end of May. That means I will be stuck living at my mom’s until at least next summer, maybe longer. Let’s not even talk about what this will do to my savings.
It would be totally possible for me to rationalize how failling wouldn’t be so bad until the end of time. But, I really don’t want to. Back to the superstition, I’m worried that I’ll fail because I said that it wouldn’t bother me. Maybe I should be honest and say that it’s going to bother me a whole lot. I’m probably going to cry and hide in my room for a few days (or weeks). I might skip Thanksgiving. It will be terrible and I’m not looking forward to it at all.
What I know for sure is that I will try and remain calm until tomorrow evening. There will be plenty of time for freaking out after (and I’m sure I will take advantage of all of it).
Posted in She's Crazy But We Love Her, I Fought the Law and the Law Won, Post-bar: The Saga Continues having no comments »
November 14th, 2007 by Jenn
For many English nerds, the old adage, “Write well and write often” is very familiar. Although I have been writing more frequently this past year, I am still having a lot of trouble writing well. The bottom line is that writing scares me. I still get a bit panicky when it’s time to come up with something to post.
When I was younger, I wanted to be an author. I used to sit at my parents’ dining room table, pencil in hand, and write story after story in my green notebook. I’m pretty sure my feelings about writing changed after college. I spent too many nights sitting at my sorority’s dining room table (ohhh I just noticed a theme) trying to come up with ten pages on the uses of musical imagery in gothic romances. Once I got my BA, I swore that I would never write on obscure topics dreamed up by bored PHDs again. In other words, grad school was out and so was any sort of career in journalism.
Now that I think about it, writing in my LiveJournal, which was post-UCLA, was far easier then writing here. When I started it, I had just entered a new relationship and I viewed it as a way to let someone get to know me without having to tell him what I thought/felt/believed. I think coming up with entries wasn’t a big deal because I didn’t care what ended up on the screen. I had a rough idea of what I wanted to say and as long as the general idea was conveyed, it didn’t matter what my writing was like.
Now that I have this blog though, and I think that I really would like to have readers, I worry a lot about my writing. Is anything that I come up with worth reading? To be honest, there are plenty of days when my posts aren’t even interesting to me. I kind of hoped that by doing NaBloPoMo I would find my literary voice. So far it hasn’t happened. I’m struggling on day 14 in the same ways I was struggling on day 1.
I do hope that over time my blog evolves into something that I can be proud of. This may be a collection of stories about me, and a highly repetitive collection at that, but I do want it to be something that is worth taking the time to read.
From past experience I’ve found that writing is a lot like other things — the more you work at it the better you get. I’m determined to turn this blog into something far better then it is now. I really don’t know how I plan on getting there. Writing about it probably isn’t the way though. Writing about other subjects, things that are difficult for me to express, may be a big help. I think that’s the direction I’ll head in next.
Posted in I Think I Can, Enter the Sap having no comments »
November 13th, 2007 by Jenn
About this time of year, every year, I start to dream about moving somewhere with seasons. Today it was 85. I could have worn shorts and flip flops. I didn’t because I like to pretend that it’s fall and, well you know, cold.
I think this is one of those areas where the grass is definitely always greener. If I were having to shovel my car out, I’m sure I would feel differently. It’s just hard for me to be in the mood to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas when they aren’t accompanied by the requisite orange leaves and snow. Alright, that’s kind of a lie. I’m totally in the mood for Christmas. I would just be more in the mood if I could go outside and build a Frosty while drinking hot chocolate.
Although Thanksgiving when I lived in London was a rather miserable experience (We ate chicken!), at least the weather cooperated. I remember sheets of rain and winds so strong I was blown over. It was both awful and wonderful. Had I not been lonely, 5,000 miles from home, I would have loved the day.
Today I decided that at some point in my life, I need to move somewhere where the weather is something other then sunny. This might be a bit difficult given that my career choice is somewhat restrictive in terms of relocation. (Although maybe not. It could very well be that I am not destined to call California home, at least in a professional sense.)
Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I complained about this last year. Yup, I most certainly did. In fact, this post and that one are pretty much the same. Oh well. I guess this is in my face proof that I am unoriginal. I’ll need to work on that for the rest of the month. I really don’t want to re-read my blog years from now and have the same topic repeat year after year. There has to be more going on with my life then that!
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November 12th, 2007 by Jenn
Tonight my fortune cookie said, “Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.” To which I reply, “WTFHF!?!?” First, in what world is that a fortune? Second, my cookie is telling me that I’m generally a liar, but on occasion, when I fate would have it, I tell the truth? So this telling of the truth isn’t really of my own volition, because I am a natural liar, but rather an involuntary reaction? That’s a “feel good” message if I ever got one. It totally makes me glad I paid a lot for my food.
Forget being an attorney. I think I’m going to apply to the Peking Noodle Company to write fortunes. My writing skills may be a bit rusty, but I could do so, so much better then that.
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November 11th, 2007 by Jenn
For a brief bit of time, let’s say 2002-2003, I despised Christmas. Oh the materialism of it all! (Ha ha ha, me shake my head at materialism? Have I told you about the Chanel sunglasses I covet?) The forced family togetherness! The fattening food! I wanted nothing to do with any of it.
Because we can and my poor LiveJournal generally sits untouched, let’s take a trip down memory lane. Here is an excerpt of what Scrooge McDuck I wrote on December 26, 2002:
“Christmas has just become so forced, so trite. We scramble around trying to find the perfect gift, spending more and more money, when really maybe it is the simplest thing that would bring the most joy.
Then we visit relatives and force ourselves to seem interested in their lives (and vice-versa I am sure.)”
Awww…wasn’t I cute? What, you don’t agree? Yeah, I kind of want to strangle me with a strand of twinkle lights too.
This year I’m all about the Christmas. In fact, I am more then willing to forgo Thanksgiving, my former favorite holiday, because it is getting in the way of my celebrating. I want to put up my tree and start wrapping presents. I want to watch Love Actually and drink mulled wine and eggnog. I’m actually kind of pleased that Old Navy is playing Christmas music and that Santa has arrived at the mall.
And the red cups at Starbucks? I want to hug the stacks of them. I love them and their round festive selves.
I really don’t know why I went from being so anti-Christmas to my present, ready to don my Santa hat this very minute, state. Maybe I’ve finally gotten over my early twenties angst (although how do we then explain the black nail polish)? Maybe I’m just looking for anything to make me happy? Maybe I just love Christmas? In the end, it doesn’t really matter. This year, for whatever reason, I am more then a little excited for the upcoming holiday season. That being said, don’t be surprised if I hand you a candy cane in the upcoming days. There are so many flavors now, I think it’s about time we get started with the sampling.
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November 10th, 2007 by Jenn
Last night, like Cinderella, I raced to the computer to post before midnight. All day I had been composing something in my head about all manners of wonderful things not related to the size of my hips. But, after not being able to really exercise for a week and stuffing myself with chip after chip at a baby shower, when faced with only a few minutes to write a literary masterpiece to be saved for the ages, all I could come up with was to tell everyone about how fat I felt.
Weight is a touchy subject, especially when you fall to the lower end of the spectrum. I’m 5′4 and 1/2 (and yes, we count the half) and I weigh between 125 and 130 (I haven’t been on the scale in a few weeks). I exercise a lot, between 5 and 6 times a week, and I know that at least my legs are mostly muscle. My tyrannosaur arms however, well those are useful for examining handbags. I leave the heavy lifting to people better equipped.
I know that I don’t “need” to lose weight, but I would sure like too. I was just looking at my pictures from the marathon and I think I look fat. I don’t have a waist and I think my stomach could look a little trimmer. My legs are giant and my hips and butt…well they have their own zip code. You should send them a letter sometime. They like receiving things in the post.
In my own mind, I’m a healthy eater, but if I were to really sit down and think about all that I put in my mouth, I’m pretty sure I would discover otherwise. And therein is where the problem lies. There are stories of marathon runners who end up in Weight Watchers because they can’t get/keep the weight off. Regardless of your level of physical activity, calories in/calories still governs. If I can’t manage to eat less then I burn, I’m going to gain weight. It doesn’t matter how far or how fast I run.
When I go outside and look around, I realize that compared to a lot of people I’m doing fine. Because of that, I’ve been trying to get better at complaining about it. But really and truly, I feel like I need to reign myself in and lose at least 5 pounds. I’m sure I’ll still complain, but at least I’ll be lighter when I do it.
This post will probably make a few people want to shoot me. I would feel the same way about someone who weighed less then me complaining about the same things. I can’t change my thinking on this issue though. I have tried and tried. When I look in the mirror I see chunky and I just want to do whatever I can to make it go away.
Posted in Uncategorized, Exercise (Cause this baby got back!), Hate isn't a Four Letter Word, I <3 food! having no comments »
November 9th, 2007 by Jenn
It’s been five days since I’ve been able to run and oh my god I feel it. I feel like a ten ton whale, bleating away on the beach. Everyone says that you have to make sure you take enough time off after a marathon, but I’m dying here. I need to get back to running asap.
I never thought I would be a person who dreamed of the next day when she would be able to run. I ran in high school, but only seriously for one year and even then only relatively short distances. It wasn’t until 2004 that I decided I need to get into running shape and started running five or six miles at a time. Prior to this past bit of training, the longest I had ever run was ten miles. Now ten miles seems like something fun to do on a weekend afternoon.
I’m pointing this out to applaud myself for having come so far fitness-wise and maybe stop myself from continuously stuffing my face. Running may feel good, but it is not a cure-all for weight issues. There is no reason to eat chips and ranch dip, a cupcake AND a piece of cake. I need veg, yes, but not accompanied by dip! Soon I am going to be too big for my running shorts (okay maybe not, but I sure feel that way).
The goal for next week then is to eat much better and get back to some serious exercise. Even though I can’t run anything more then a mile or two, I need to hit the gym and work on getting back to having loose jeans. Those things get tight so fast and I hate how that feels!
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November 8th, 2007 by Jenn
Tonight I ate Mexican food and it was good. I saw my friends and we had fun. Then I went outside and petted my dog. His name is Bailey and he is brown and white.
Remember the days when writing like that was perfectly acceptable? Where those the good days or the bad ones? I hate to complain about a challenge I freely accepted, but sometimes writing a post a day is harder then running 26.2 miles. I feel like I can’t just post a picture (actually I can’t - blog won’t let me upload) or write a few lines of mindless babble and still meet the goal. I need to actually compose a post and have it be relatively decent. It’s hard y’all! (Wow - too much TMZ and too much Britney.)
In other news, November continues to be not much better then October was. I wish I could help those people who are hurting, but I just don’t know how. I’m so bad at compassion it kills me. In my next life (when we are all cats) I swear I’m going to be perfect. I will write beautiful prose and I will be full of kindness and love. It will be awesome. Until then, I guess I will just bide my time and browse online stores. Oh…and clean. My room is now super organized and for that, at least, I am proud.
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